Directed by Jamie Blanks
Running Time: 1:34
Rated R strong horror violence, some sexuality and language.

I've got 5 words to describe the best part of this movie. Denise Richards, bikini, hot tub. Other than that, Valentine is a complete waste of time.

Back in 1988, a poor young boy was rejected at a dance by some young girls. One overweight girl actually said yes, and made out with him under the bleachers. But when they were caught, she accused him of attacking her, and he was beaten up. As we find out later, he was then sent to reform school, and later to a mental institution. Fast forward to 2001. All the girls have grown up into very beautiful women. There's Shelly (Katherine Heigl) the medical student. Did she go out on a date with the killer? There's Kate (Marley Shelton) the popular one. Is her on again off again boyfriend Adam (David Boreanaz) the killer? Then there's Paige (Denise Richards), the sexy one. Maybe it's the guy she met from the speedy dating service that's stalking them. Next there's Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), the big girl from grade school. Maybe it's her new boyfriend Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove), who isn't all he seems to be, that is the killer. And finally there's Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) the fun one. Maybe the killer is her new boy toy Max (Johnny Whitworth) the bad artist. Or maybe the killer is Detective Vaughn (Fulvio Cecere)? Maybe it's even one of the girls... Who knows? So many suspects, so little time. But someone is killing a lot of people. And the ending will leave you... well let's say the ending is a small surprise.

I won't go into the plot, because this is a horror film. Plots are very rarely integral to horror films. I won't go into how stupid people in horror films are, because that's part of what makes them fun. But I always felt the best horror films were ones where you cared about a couple of the characters, and then felt good when they killed the bad guy, or felt sad when they died. The only reason I cared about any of the girls in the movie was because they were good looking, and I hate to see good looking women die. There was little or no depth to any of the people. The suspects in the movie just came and went really quickly and you never got to know any of them. The whole revenge angle was rather lame since all we saw was a kid getting beat up in junior high, then hear about him having some problems later in life. The music was rather cheap, full of the requisite cheesy synthesizers. I don't expect good acting from horror films, but this wasn't a cast of unknowns. I figure that Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl and David Boreanaz probably have a few scripts sitting on their desks, so why choose this one? All of them are fine actors, but this movie doesn't really do them justice.

Some of the murder scenes were interesting, but nothing very graphic. No one got naked during the film, which I feel is a hallmark of schlocky horror films. There was Denise Richards in a bikini in a hot tub, so that was nice. And there were a couple of towel scenes. And one scene dealing with a guy and hot wax that looked rather painful. Other than that, there wasn't a lot of sex action. The killings came without any set up and sometimes just out of the blue. And that mask? The cherub mask? What was the deal with that? It was horrible. Made me just want to laugh at the killer. The only reason this movie didn't get an F was because I'm a big fan of Boreanaz, and I liked the women.

So overall, Valentine isn't something you need to see. It's not even something you might want to rent next Halloween for a good scare. There's really no reason to see this movie. So don't bother. I say watch Angel or Roswell or rent Wild Things. Those choices would be much better than this.

For pictures of Denise Richards and Katherine Heigl, visit the Gallery.

Got something to say? Say it on the Message Boards. No password needed!

Click on the link for more information on Screenwriting, Home Video/DVD or Film Making.

Visit the Store for all your gift giving needs!

Almost Famous

$18.89 DVD
Release Date: 03/13/01

What Lies Beneath

$20.24 DVD
Available Now!


$22.49 DVD
Available Now!


$15.49 CD

reviewed 02/02/01

© 2001 Wolfpack Productions

Wolfpack Productions