Written by Roy Moore and Glen Morgan
Directed by Glen Morgan
Running Time: 1:24
for strong horror violence and gore,
sexuality, nudity and language.
Black Christmas was one of the most pointless movies I've seen in years.
A bunch of girls in a sorority house are being slaughtered by someone inside their house. Could it be Billy Lenz, the young man who slaughtered and ate his parents and has spent the last few years in an insane asylum? Could it be Billy's younger sister who had her eye eaten by Billy all those years ago? Could someone please tell these girls to leave the freaking house?!
Look, I'm all for mindless entertainment. God knows I watch American Idol every week. But c'mon, you gotta give me something to hang my hat on. Black Christmas was a complete waste of time. How idiotic do the filmmakers think we are? And why do they make these girls completely stupid as well? Leave the house! I mean seriously, the first time someone dies, why are you hanging out there? I don't care if it's snowing out. Go down the street to that other house. Yeah, explain that one to me. If, as one of the character says, everyone in that other house is either home for vacation or skiing, why are all the lights on!?
In this day and age, we've all seen some pretty brutal horror films. Filmmakers these days will do whatever it takes to gross out an audience. Sometimes even I can get disgusted by it, but they have set a bar. Black Christmas decided not only to not approach the bar, I don't even think they can see the bar from where they are. I lost count of how many times we saw this series of events: Someone is about to get stabbed, we see the stab start to occur, then we cut to a shot of a wall/floor/tree suddenly covered in blood. Seriously? What's the point? If I wanted to see someone throw blood around a room I'd turn on an episode of ER or something.
Fine, you say to me in that slightly irritated tone, it must have been at least campy good. No, it really wasn't. First off, there was no rampant nudity. You have a movie filled with sorority girls, an unrated movie mind you, and the best they could do is a single shower scene shown from the point of view of a hole in the floor a few feet away. C'mon! At least give me some sex to make things interesting. I should have known better once I saw the cast list. There are actually recognizable women in the movie, women you knew perfectly well were never going to get naked. But they could have taken the 'up and coming' actresses and had them walk around naked for a few seconds. Something to capture my attention. But no, why do that? Unrated DVD my ass.
Well, you continue in that 'I know better than you' tone, maybe it was supposed to be funny? I can tell that you're reaching now. Yeah I laughed. Once. When they reveal who the killer is. I'm not sure I was supposed to laugh though. Otherwise, I kept waiting for something good to happen. A real nice slaughter for instance or a scene of the girls making out with each other, maybe even a scary killer. Instead we got buckets of blood, a crappy shower scene, and a bad guy who was yellow. Yes, yellow. For a reason never explained, they gave him a liver disease that turned him yellow. The point? Who the hell knows. So he looked like a giant hot dog covered in mustard? So the Christmas lights reflected off of him differently? They tried, oh so tried, to give Billy Lenz a backstory that might explain why he was a madman, but frankly I didn't care. After a while I was hoping there would be some surprise ending where the entire movie blew up because the terrorists from 24 detonated a nuclear bomb on the sorority house. Sadly, that never happened.
THE BOTTOM LINE
So overall, I loved Black Christmas. No really, I did. Why? Because it has set the standard for worst horror film I've seen since the turn of the decade. I now have a low point from which other horror films can be judged. So for that, I thank you Black Christmas.
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